A Few Secrets

I get sad when I check my email and there’s nothing there.  When this happens many days in a row, my sadness multiplies and drags me down.

When waitressing, I really like when people eat with their hands.  I also like that really corny “That was awful!” joke people make when they wolf down their food.

I have been actively following the progress of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN.  Interference from the future?  Hell yeah!!

As much as I love to sleep alone, I really miss being spooned.  In fact, I’m currently suffering a deficiency of any and all warm hugs.  It might give me rickets if it goes on too long.

I haven’t written anything in the past couple weeks because I caught a computer virus from watching 30 Rock online (stay the fuck away from Sidereel.com – it’s got cooties!)and I don’t like typing on this laptop keyboard.  My delicate ladyfingers can’t punch the keys hard enough and I keep having to go back and fix what I wrote.

When I go to the zoo, my favourite animals are the elephants.

Although I have been fairly productive these past few weeks, I am suffering from a mild depression that manifests itself through fatigue, boredom, guilt and loneliness.

As a child, I was one of the most well behaved kids you’d ever meet.  I knew not to stare, I never spoke, I was easily occupied by paper and drawing instruments, and my babysitters would always joke with my mom about how easy I was to deal with.  “Did she behave herself?”  And then they’d both laugh.

I made a really great pizza today.  From scratch.  I’m kind of good at baking.

One, Two, Skip a Few, Ninety Nine, Awesome

One of my biggest fears in life is losing out on opportunities due to my own laziness.

When I was five, my mom asked me if I wanted to join Brownies and I said no.  Secretly, I wanted my mom to force me to join; I had friends who were Brownies, and they seemed to like it, but I was shy and scared of new and strange environments.  So I didn’t join.  Same with dance class.  I wanted to, but I was scared to try new things on my own.

When I was sixteen, the opportunity arose to travel alone to Morocco.  I would have stayed with the family of a girl who I barely knew, which probably isn’t the best scenario for a teenage girl with no worldly experience, so I chose not to.  Scared again, and bad scenarios aside, by this time I was starting to worry that I’d never get anything accomplished in my life that required testicular fortitude.

When I was nineteen, fresh out of high school, I crashed my mom’s car.  Her insurance company dropped me like a bad date, and as a direct result I moved to Toronto to start my adult life.  I used to worry that had this not happened, I would have just stayed in Oshawa, living with my family and never experiencing what life had to offer.

Since then, I’ve traveled to England and France, hitch-hiked across the country, taught myself fashion design (both the art and the business aspect), performed on stage in various states of undress, and changed jobs when necessity called.

Recently I started to exercise in order to lose the eight pounds that I’d gained over the past year.  I’m almost done with that, but will keep up the exercising just because it feels good.

Next on the agenda is school.  I never did anything post secondary, and now I think I want to.  I don’t want to waitress forever, but that’s not the only reason why I’m going to school.  I deserve to do something with myself, and getting and education is the something that I want to do.

I don’t know when I changed from scaredy cat to balls on the table, but I’m happy I did.  I’m great and I deserve to do great things for myself.

I think I’ll run for sainthood next.  Or maybe I’ll just quit smoking.

Good Friend, Quiet Rival

Jealousy is a hell of a scene.

Personally, I’m not a very jealous kind of gal.  Partly due to realizing that I have a lot of things that could make others jealous (good looks, raw talent, vivid personality, high self esteem), and partly due my remarkable self absorption.

Still, I am not immune to the horrible whisperings of that green eyed monster.  Without going into detail and risk divulging any of my top secret weapons of choice, suffice it to say that I try to avoid being jealous of others.

The strain is never worth it.

And I do try to help those who have problems with their own self confidence.  I tell them what is great about them and follow it up with an assault of logic.

Logic being that there will always be others who have more than you.  More money, more breaks, more connections, more talent, more youth, more fun.  You can’t do anything about that, but you can expend your energy in more constructive ways.

Do what you enjoy doing and stop peeking over my shoulder to compare.