Crooked Antenna

Entries from November 2009

Tune in Next Week (When Very Little will have Changed),

November 18, 2009 · Leave a Comment

This morning, I discovered that my beauty mark is shape shifting.

Great.

Does this mean cancer?  Certain disfigurement/possible fatality?  A solid hit to my ever dwindling supply of attractive attributes?

How long will it take me to muster up the energy to have my doctor sort things out?  Will she scold me for taking so long, or simply chastise me for jumping to horrific conclusions without her involvement (as is usually the case)?

Did I spend all my efforts quitting smoking when I should have just been more vigilant with sunblock and the consumption of chemicals?

Will I ever play the piano again?!?

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Through the Static

November 14, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Sometimes I have clairvoyant dreams.

They never direct me to any epiphanies.  They don’t solve mysteries and they don’t teach life lessons; they are merely strange and cryptic windows into the lives of others.

Example: I will dream of you singing a particular song in a particular manner.  Upon waking, I will tell you of that dream and you will tell me that while the song was different, the strange style in which you sang it (in the privacy of your home, with no one around but your cat and your girlfriend) was correct.

Example: After having been out with you the night before, I will dream of shopping for a new phone.  Upon waking, I will discover a worried email from you, announcing that you have lost your phone.

Occasionally, I will also dream of the future.

Example: Several years ago, I dreamt in the autumn that a friendship would end in the winter.  That I’d be left to sort out my jagged feelings for an unstable man while I stepped with nimble feet through deep slush.

Example: I dreamt of finding a wad of American money on the floor.  The next day, I was in line at a gift shop, and I saw a wad of American cash sitting on the ground.  WTF?!?  I was so stoked, until the cashier saw it too, and alerted the rightful owner (or so I assume it was the rightful owner.  If someone asked you if that wad of money was yours, would you claim it as such?).

And very rarely, I will dream of artistic inspiration.  Things that I can make, either for monetary gain, or for fun.

Example: Last winter, I dreamt that I was looking back on some quilts that I had made.  There was a sense of accomplishment, and the quilts were both witty and practical.  Upon waking, I was nervous and excited, and it took me a long time to think through the actual quilt making process, but eventually I made it happen.

Example: Last spring, I dreamt that I was making ugly pants for nothing more than monetary gain.  Upon waking, I did exactly that.

Categories: Uncategorized

Do it Now!

November 11, 2009 · 3 Comments

All of you should get up right this moment and go to The Rage and Distill Gallery so that you can see my quilts on display.

And then you should buy my quilts.

Do it now.

Here’s a picture of one of the quilts:

 

quilt3

Photo by Anna Barrs

If you look really closely, you might notice the Mr. T portraits in some of the squares.

 

Categories: Uncategorized

“It’s a Type of Candy!” I Just Said That Out Loud

November 11, 2009 · Leave a Comment

I’ve gotten back into the candy making lately.

Cold weather (today and yesterday notwithstanding, however, I must let it be known that I’m getting sick and tired of this above freezing weather we’ve been experiencing.  There are all these wasps flying around, thinking that they’re cock of the walk! Venomous little fuckers, just you wait and see who’s cock of whom.  Or “which.”  Maybe “what” is the word I’m seeking), unpleasant adventures in public and a general malaise have been keeping me indoors and cooking.

Most recently, I have made peanut butter truffles and chocolate covered marzipan.  Yep, marzipan.  I never even knew what it was before this week, and now I’m eating it.

It’s almondey.

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What Would Stacey Say?

November 5, 2009 · Leave a Comment

I was talking to an acquaintance recently about odds and statistics and the like.

I had no idea what I was talking about; my most recent lesson in statistics came from The Babysitter’s Club, where Stacey tells Mallory that statistics can be skewed in order to prove a point (point in question was that all the boys in Stoneybrook were suddenly behaving like jerks.  As it turns out, they weren’t, it was just a few boys misbehaving randomly and temporarily).  But I was the one who brought up the topic of odds and statistics, and damned if I didn’t try to make some sense out of it (I certainly didn’t).

We were discussing this acquaintance’s recent run of bad luck in trying to find gainful employment.  There were lots of openings in his field, he had lots of great experience, but the odds were totally fisting him in the butt.  For the past six months.  With no lube.  Sometimes life is kind of harsh.

So he confided that he was starting to wonder if karma had something to do with it.  Which surprised the hell out of me; this dude is one of the most pragmatic, no-bullshit people I have ever met.  Not a hippie, not a pussy-footer, not a wishy-washy mystical crap-dabbler in any way.  But there he was, dropping the K-word.

Now, I’m not normally one to believe in karma.  I think that if there even is anything resembling ‘fairness’ in this world, that it’s obviously completely beyond my realm of understanding, so I should just shut up and stick to what I understand: simple algebra, The Babysitter’s Club, and amateur candy making.

But what the hell do I know about anything?  Maybe this acquaintance did something to deserve this run of employment related bad luck.  Maybe I did something to deserve my own run of romance related bad luck.  And maybe Paris Hilton is a fucking demigod who will never be held accountable for anything ever.

Or maybe there’s no reason to anything and everything will be magically great for all of us (including Paris Hilton) by the end of the week.

Is that a statistic?

Categories: Uncategorized